What Is the Shadow? (And Why You’re Not Broken)

For many years, I used to get so irritated and drained by people. 

Something would happen — a comment, a disagreement, a small trigger — and I’d replay it over and over in my mind. 

It would stick with me, ruin my mood, and take up so much of my energy. 

It was like I was constantly being pulled from left to right by life’s challenges. 

At the time, I didn’t think much of it. 

I just assumed, “This is what life is like.”

But then I discovered the concept of the shadow — and something inside me clicked. 

Life didn’t have to feel so heavy. So reactive. So personal.

In this post, I want to gently introduce you to what the shadow is and why understanding it can shift the way you experience your life.

What Is the Shadow, Really?

The shadow is what Carl Jung called the unconscious. 

These are the parts of ourselves that are hidden, rejected, and disapproved of.

Having a shadow isn’t a flaw. 

It’s part of being human. 

One of the most common ways to visualize the shadow is with an iceberg:

The visible tip above the water represents your conscious self,

while the massive structure below the surface represents your unconscious — 

everything you’ve pushed away, often without realizing it.

Where the Shadow Comes From

Our shadow begins to take shape in childhood. 

As we grow up, we learn — often without words — what’s “acceptable” and what isn’t. 

The parts of us that are criticized, punished, or simply not welcome — our anger, sadness, sensitivity, messiness — are gradually pushed out of sight in exchange for belonging.

This can be illustrated by a child who screams and cries when something doesn’t go the way they want it to. 

The parent disciplines or punishes the child by giving the “silent treatment” or a “time-out.”

From this experience, the child internalizes that expressing these big emotions means they won’t receive the love or acceptance they long for.

Over time, the child unconsciously begins to build their shadow.

Simultaneously, we learn to embody the “good” parts of ourselves — the parts that are met with approval. 

But what we reject doesn’t disappear. It goes underground. 

And from there, it continues to influence our choices, reactions, and relationships — often without our awareness.

How It Quietly Shapes Our Lives

Shadow work is the process of gently bringing those unconscious parts of ourselves into the light.

It’s the act of becoming more whole — not by becoming someone new, but by embracing the parts we’ve hidden.

You might ask:

Why can’t these unconscious parts of me stay unconscious?

Why can’t I just focus on the “light”? On the positive?

When you realize that 90%-95% of our decisions are shaped by our unconscious (source), it becomes clear why this work matters. 

Without conscious awareness, our lives are run by old patterns, fears, and beliefs that may no longer serve us. 

(We often refer to this as wearing a “mask” — a version of ourselves we created to feel safe or accepted.

To read more about the masks we wear, check out this post.)

Have you ever had a moment where you later thought:

“Wow, I have no idea why I was like that. That’s so unlike me”? 

That was your unconscious at play.

If we only focus on the positive — on what’s “acceptable” — we end up bypassing what’s really asking for healing. 

We might feel better temporarily, but it doesn’t last. 

True transformation happens when we go to the root.

Why We Need Both the Light and the Dark

This doesn’t mean we need to get rid of our shadow. 

That’s a common myth.

Instead, it’s about finding balance. 

It’s about relating to ourselves with more understanding, compassion, and choice.

We live in a dualistic world — dark and light, masculine and feminine, above and below, negative and positive.

Deep healing isn’t about choosing one and rejecting the other.

It’s about embracing the whole.

I often picture this balance using the Yin and Yang symbol —

half light, half dark, each side holding a speck of the other. 

We aren’t meant to live in just one half. 

When we strongly identify with only one side, we create inner tension.

We end up telling ourselves:

“You can only be this. If you’re that, your’e bad. That’s not accepted.” 

So when we inevitably act outside of that “acceptable” side, we feel shame, regret, embarrassment, guilt, irritation, or disgust.

This doesn’t mean we throw ethics or discernment out the window.

It just means we soften the rigidity.

We make room for fluidity, nuance, and truth.

And in that softening, we find more inner peace — through self-understanding, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness.

The truth is:

You don’t need to become someone new.

You just need to become more you — more whole, more aware, more at peace with all that you are.

Shadow work is about returning to wholeness — balancing the dark and the light inside you.

Is Shadow Work Scary?

It can sound intense — or even a little scary — at first.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Shadow work isn’t about digging up your deepest pain all at once. 

It’s about creating safety within yourself, where even the hardest parts of you are welcome. 

It’s about meeting yourself with compassion. 

One layer at a time.

You don’t have to dive into the darkest places right away. 

You get to move gently.

If this feels like a fear for you, I wrote more in this post → [Is Shadow Work Scary? (And How to Make It Feel Safer)]

So, How Can I Become Aware Of My Shadow?

One of the easiest ways is to pay attention to your emotional triggers — 

moments of irritation, judgment, or disgust.

Notice what you reject or disapprove of in others. 

It often points to something you’ve disowned in yourself.

A Shadow Work Journal Prompt to Explore

What’s something you often judge in others… that might be something you were taught to reject in yourself?

—> Do you allow yourself to be this way? Why or why not?

—> Where do you think this judgment came from? (Any memories, messages, or voices come to mind?)

—> Is this something you truly want to be judging others for? Or is there room for curiosity and compassion?

If you enjoyed this, I created a free Shadow Work Starter Workbook to support your journey. 

You can download it using the button at the bottom of the post.✨

And if this stirred something in you — curiosity, questions, emotions—you’re not alone.
This work is powerful. And it’s a lifelong unfolding.

Take your time. Go gently. Trust your own pace.

If this post brought up anything for you — or you just want to share what’s resonating — 

I’d love to hear from you.

Feel free to send me a message here → Contact me

With care,
Marika 💛